| I wear glasses.I make no secret of the fact | | | | you making a fool of yourself. The glance is |
| that my eyes are genetically mutated when | | | | useless, of course. Without my glasses, I |
| compared to you few out there who can | | | | can't even see if there are people in the |
| recognize faces in satellite photos, spot | | | | room, much less if they are watching me or |
| friends in airplanes cruising at thirty | | | | not.Sure, a lot of people have made the |
| thousand feet and read bumper stickers in | | | | switch to contact lenses, but I'm not one of |
| adjacent states. I've gotten quite used to | | | | them. There are a number of reasons (okay... |
| waking each morning and not having a clue | | | | four) why I don't trust contact lenses.1. |
| where I am until I reach over to my | | | | Contact lenses are invisible. (Have you ever |
| nightstand and grab my extra set of eyes. | | | | seen contact lenses in anyone's eyes? No? |
| The floor of my bedroom could have dissolved | | | | Then they must be invisible.)2. I'm not real |
| over night and left a mile-wide crater, but | | | | keen on the idea of putting these little |
| I'd roll right out of bed none the wiser if I | | | | things into my eyes and just expecting them |
| didn't have my glasses on.I got my first pair | | | | to stay there. I mean, is there some kind of |
| of glasses when I was in the fourth grade. | | | | glue holding them in? Is it magic? Do all |
| At the time I was only one of two kids who | | | | contact lense wearers hold their heads tilted |
| actually wore glasses, so I was fairly | | | | slightly upwards? What happens if you look |
| thrilled at having something which very few | | | | down? Won't they fall out and get lost in |
| fourth graders had at the time. I'd go around | | | | the carpeting?3. People who wear contact |
| looking at people and smiling and hoping | | | | lenses always walk around with bloodshot eyes |
| they'd guess what was new about me.The other | | | | that make it look as though they've just |
| fourth graders would look me over and ask , | | | | returned from a funeral for their entire |
| "Did you lose some weight?" or "You get a | | | | family where all the attendees grieved by |
| haircut?" But one fine day the smartest | | | | smoking tear gas grenades.4. When a person |
| fourth grader of them all, Patrick Panduzi, | | | | wearing contact lenses gets something in his |
| walked up to me and said: "I know what is | | | | or her eye, the experience does not seem to |
| different about you. You just had your braces | | | | be a fun one. Most voice their discomfort |
| taken off!" I was overjoyed, of course. I've | | | | with a very clear: "AAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!!! |
| never actually had braces, but at least he | | | | GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!! OH DEAR |
| was getting closer.My first pair of glasses | | | | GOD!! AAAAAARRRRRG! KILL ME! KILL ME |
| were big and round and ugly. The frame was | | | | NOW!!"And if I'm bothered by the idea of |
| made of a thick plastic whose color could | | | | sticking a little piece of clear plastic in |
| only be described as "a dark sewage-like | | | | my eye, you can imagine how I feel about |
| brown with lighter brown blotches reminiscent | | | | having laser surgery to correct my |
| of puke swirled in for that really | | | | less-than-perfect vision. I looked into this |
| sophisticated effect." They were the kind of | | | | process at one time but quickly felt that it |
| glasses that could assure my nerdom for all | | | | wasn't quite for me:"So, Doctor, you're going |
| time if it had ever been doubted before. The | | | | to point a laser...""Yes...""...at my |
| term "bullfrog" comes to mind when I think of | | | | eyes?""Yes...""A laser...""Yes...""And when |
| my portraits in those days.But as a fourth | | | | you say 'laser' you really mean a |
| grader, I was happy with them. We fourth | | | | microscopically thin unimaginably hot blade |
| graders would regularly have discussions | | | | of concentrated light that, from what I can |
| about whether or not they could deflect | | | | tell from copious science fiction movies, is |
| bullets if I was shot in the eye and always | | | | pretty much the ultimate cool weapon if you |
| wondered what would happen if I stared | | | | want to overthrow an evil empire or blow |
| straight at the sun while wearing them. Some | | | | apart a planet?""Well...""It was a 'yes' or |
| said the lenses would form a laser beams, | | | | 'no' question!""Now, Tom-""And this laser |
| melt my eyeballs, and blow my brains out the | | | | has, on the side of the casing, a good |
| back of my head. But the smarter fourth | | | | thousand scary words warning you of exactly |
| graders knew that eyeballs don't melt, they | | | | how amazingly, blindingly dangerous and |
| explode.Today I still wear glasses, but now | | | | stupid it is to aim this laser straight at |
| I've left the wonderful world of crap-colored | | | | your eye.""Umm...""That's the laser you're |
| plastic and moved on to wire frames. I do | | | | going to shoot into my eye to 'fix' my eye |
| this for a number of reasons such as comfort | | | | sight?""Tom, I think you're simplifying this |
| and fashion, but mostly because I know that | | | | a bit...""Your laser. My eye. Not going to |
| my chances of being hit by lightning in the | | | | happen..."I have been wearing glasses for |
| face are not greatly increased by wearing | | | | most of childhood and adult life now. I |
| them, as we used to think in the fourth | | | | think I'll probably continue to wear glasses |
| grade.Contrary to what many of you believe, | | | | for the foreseeable (ha, get it?) future. In |
| wearing glasses is not all fun.It is not fun | | | | fact, when people ask me what things were |
| to walk in from the cold and immediately lose | | | | like before I wore glasses, I have to say I |
| all visual contact with the world as your | | | | don't know. It's all just a blur to |
| glasses fog over.It is not fun to misplace | | | | me...Humorist Tom Coffee regularly makes a |
| your glasses, only to discover that you can't | | | | mess at His writing chronicles his |
| find your glasses unless you are wearing your | | | | adventures in trying to lose weight, escape |
| glasses.It is not fun to poke yourself in the | | | | his office job, fix up his old house and cope |
| eye while trying to adjust your glasses out | | | | with becoming a father for the first time. |
| of habit, even when you aren't wearing them. | | | | Filled with wit, emotion and silliness. Life |
| This maneuver is usually followed by a quick | | | | is funny. Have some Coffee... |
| glance around the room to check if anyone saw | | | | |