| It wasn't that Cousin Charley was mean, or | | | | mid-day dinner, he stuffed some cold biscuits |
| even irreligious. He just had a hard time | | | | in his pocket, eased his single-shot 22 rifle |
| figuring out where fun left off and devilment | | | | off the top of the kitchen cupboard and |
| started.Charley was a natural-born hell | | | | quietly slipped away for a bit of hunting. It |
| raiser in a time and part of the country | | | | was certain that his outing would extend past |
| where dissent was tolerated -- if not admired | | | | the revival's last "hallelujah."Hunting |
| -- if it was imaginative and daring. My | | | | licenses and game seasons were unheard of. |
| cousin filled the bill admirably.I wasn't | | | | You shot whatever wild animals or birds that |
| allowed to associate too freely with him | | | | jumped up in your gun sights. That day, a |
| because I was six years old and gullible -- | | | | razorback hog come within range of Charley's |
| while Charley was 15 and "full of the old | | | | rifle.Razorbacks are swine that have wandered |
| Nick." He once convinced me that "only soft | | | | away from farms and gone wild. Their |
| wood will burn, but hard wood, like this here | | | | descendants are long legged, muscular and |
| by the back door, will only scorch if ya put | | | | agile. Without the easy living of captivity, |
| a fire to it."If'in ya don't believe it, just | | | | the wild hog has no fat, hence the backbone |
| try it. Here's a match."Eager to test this | | | | shows prominently and gives the animal it |
| Great Law of Nature just revealed by my | | | | colloquial name.Charley squeezed off a shot |
| grown-up cousin, I stacked up a dozen lengths | | | | and dropped the razorback in its tracks. |
| of stove wood, stuffed in a tow sack of corn | | | | However, the bullet had only creased the |
| shucks and set fire to the lot.It made a | | | | skull of the wild hog and temporally stunned |
| dandy blaze -- much to my chagrin.The girls | | | | it.What to do with an agitated razorback?An |
| screamed, and the men folk dashed out of the | | | | inspired scheme took shape in Charley's |
| house to throw a couple of buckets of pump | | | | fertile mind. Muzzling the animal and tying |
| water on the fire. My father dusted my | | | | its legs, he hoisted it to his shoulders and |
| britches and confined me indoors for the rest | | | | set off for the church.It was turning dusk, |
| of the day, "where the women can keep an eye | | | | and the final session of the revival was well |
| on you."Charley had sauntered off into the | | | | underway, when Cousin Charley slipped up to |
| woods immediately after setting me adrift on | | | | the rear of the little country church. The |
| the sea of misadventure, though he | | | | razorback had regained all it faculties and |
| undoubtedly watched the excitement from the | | | | was squirming to free itself from its |
| safety of some convenient tree top. Later | | | | restraints. Charley was willing to |
| that day he gave me a jack knife with a | | | | oblige.Charley eased the animal to an open |
| one-inch stub of blade as a peace offering. | | | | window, snatched off the ropes and shoved the |
| "You musta got some soft wood mixed in | | | | frantic animal into the church.Women |
| there," he said sternly. I promised to be | | | | screamed, children hollered and the men |
| more careful next time.* * *Charley hated | | | | cursed -- thus undoing three days of |
| going to church because he had to put on his | | | | dedicated evangelism. The minister ordered |
| stiff, Sunday shoes and button his shirt | | | | the choir to sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" |
| collar.He would submit to the morning service | | | | in hope of calming the congregation, but this |
| with considerable grumbling. Thereafter, | | | | only added to the noise and confusion.The |
| however, he considered he had enough grace | | | | wild pig scurried frantically under the pews, |
| for another week and evaded the afternoon and | | | | popping up at the least expected places and |
| evening services with a skill born of much | | | | inspiring renewed screams with each sally. |
| practice.Aunt Minnie must have known, | | | | Men wallowed on the floor trying to corner |
| therefore, that she was courting disaster | | | | the intruder, bumping shins and heads with |
| when she undertook to wash the whole family | | | | each lunge."Hell fire and damnation!" shouted |
| in the Blood of the Lamb during a three-day | | | | Uncle Virgil angrily -- along with a few |
| revival meeting.An itinerant evangelist had | | | | other choice epithets from his justly famous |
| gotten lost in the "boot heel of Missouri" | | | | vocabulary -- as he sustained a sharp bite |
| and was trying to work his way back into the | | | | from the razorback.It was an hour or so |
| main stream of civilization by preaching the | | | | before the meeting could be resumed under |
| gospel wherever an offering plate would be | | | | some semblance of normalcy. But the spell was |
| passed on his behalf.In those days, a revival | | | | broken. There were no more souls saved that |
| was an endurance contest between the minister | | | | night, although the collection was as good as |
| and the congregation. The objective was to | | | | could be expected under the circumstances.* * |
| whip up enthusiasm for the Lord that lagged | | | | *Uncle Virgil finally caught the pig and took |
| under the vicissitudes of a hard life. | | | | it home for butchering. "I wonder who poked |
| Moss-back sinners, who seemed to abound in | | | | that critter into the church," he mused to |
| southeast Missouri, needed a powerful lot of | | | | Aunt Minnie.It was obvious to Aunt Minnie as |
| persuasion.Three days of concentration on the | | | | to who was responsible. Everybody's |
| project was considered only | | | | whereabouts that night could be accounted for |
| once-over-lightly. A two-week revival with an | | | | except Charley's."It's blasphemy, Charles, |
| all night "gospel sing" and baptizing with | | | | she declared. "You'll burn for eternity in |
| white robes in the river of the final Sunday | | | | the fires of Hell if you keep this up!"Cousin |
| was the preferred procedure.Nevertheless, | | | | Charley hung his head, but was unrepentant. |
| poor people had to make do with whatever | | | | "I jest wanted to see if the preacher could |
| salvation was at hand.A bob-tailed revival | | | | tell any difference between the wild pig and |
| meeting would have to suffice for Aunt | | | | all those screeching sinners."Uncle Bill |
| Minnie's brood -- including Uncle Virgil and | | | | clinched his jaw to keep from laughing out |
| Charley.Cousin Charley, under extreme duress, | | | | loud. He bit off the end of his pipe stem, |
| suffered through Friday night, Saturday night | | | | but kept a straight face. "Now, Minnie, |
| and Sunday morning - - an all-time | | | | that's something to ponder, you've go to |
| record.Uncle Virgil was "saved" on Sunday | | | | admit," he said. "Besides, 40 pounds of |
| morning after some stiff nudging in the ribs | | | | sausage isn't a bad trade for 40 miserable |
| from Aunt Minnie. He had taken the trip to | | | | souls."Lindsey Williams is a Sun columnist |
| the front row on several other occasions, but | | | | who can be contacted at:Website: with |
| Aunt Minnie was never sure the conversions | | | | several hundred of Lin's Editorial & At Large |
| had taken firm root. She saw to it that | | | | articles written over 40 years.Also featured |
| salvation was administered at every | | | | in its entirety is Lin's groundbreaking book |
| opportunity as a sort of heavenly | | | | "Boldly Onward," that critically analyzes and |
| insurance.,Charley calculated his turn was | | | | develops theories about the original Spanish |
| coming up either Sunday afternoon or evening. | | | | explorers of America. |
| The prospect was too unnerving.Shortly after | | | | |